Stop thinking this is going to be juicy! I haven't been naughty or anything like that, at least not that I will put on here! I do have a few things that I wanted to write about because it makes me feel better.
First, there are only 31 days of class related days until pinning! I am nervous about this for a few reasons. What if I don't pass the last 8 weeks of nursing school? What about passing that exit HESI that will cost me $45 a try after the first time? On to the bigger question- What about that NCLEX?! I am terrified to take those! From there, my mind wonders what kind of nurse I will be, where will I fit in the best? What path do I want my nursing career to take?
Second- Once I get something on my mind, it's really hard to stop thinking about it until it's over. Considering my diagnosis of Asherman's Syndrome, I wonder what I can do to help other women understand that a D&C is not their only option? How can I get that info out there, without seeming pushy? I have researched and talked about it over and over again, but it's all I can think about. Hind sight is always 20/20, but I still think to myself "I wish I hadn't trusted that doctor, why did I choose that option, why didn't she tell me there was a greater chance of this happening?" If I hadn't gotten the IUD, the lining would have been better and perhaps I wouldn't have had a D&C at all. Perhaps we'd have a healthy baby here in the next few weeks. My surgery is on Friday, and I question whether further surgery will be needed to repair the damage. When I do get pregnant again, will I worry incessantly over everything being OK? I don't even need to ponder that!
I want every woman to know that there are other options available, and I would be more than willing to discuss what I have learned with anyone who asks. Here is a link to more information on Asherman's Syndrome for anyone who is curious. If you are ever in the situation where you have to choose between a D&C and taking medications for a missed miscarriage, I really do suggest you visit this page and learn more. Ask LOTS of questions, including but not limited to: How many D&C's has that doctor performed that have lead to Asherman's Syndrome? Stick to the facts, don't ask for the doctor's opinion. Let's face it, it costs more for that doc to perform a surgical procedure than it does for them to write you a prescription.
Third- There's a little green monster who sits on my shoulder called "Jealousy" that has been showing up frequently lately. I feel tremendously guilty for feeling the way I do, and I won't put it here because I think it would be hurtful to others. Instead I will ask for prayers to help me deal with this in a constructive manner.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
TMI for some
I haven't updated this in a while now. Life has been busy! Nursing school is beginning to come to a close, with roughly 46 days of class left! I remember the beginning of nursing school- anxious to pass, thinking it would take forever to finish schol. It seems to have flown by though! Pinning is right around the corner, and so are boards!!
It has been nearly 5 months since the D&C. After the procedure, the doctor seemed hopeful that there would be no complications, we had gotten pregnant without an problems, and miscarriages are fairly common place. However, after two months with no cycle, but symptoms of having one, I began to suspect that something was not right. My doctor was insistent that I was under a lot of stress and it would come when it was ready. I kept pushing though because of the cyclic pain. She put me on provera to start a cycle, but that also failed. She finally agreed to do an ultrasound and labs to rule out hormones. However, when I went to the lab to have them drawn, there was no order, and the nurse in her office said that the doctor obviously did not want to draw hormone levels because it wasn't in the notes. I did have an Ultrasound, and the doctor then claimed that my lining was too thin. So more hormones were ordered, still without checking levels. These also did not work. Meds were followed my what is called a hysterosalpingogram, where dye is injected to determine whether there is uterine scarring or blockage in fallopian tubes. This test failed, the dye wouldn't even go in. It was a very painful procedure! She claimed that typical scarring would still show on the X-ray, and since it did not, she was referring me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I was alright with that, since I had already made an appointment with an excellent R.E. in St. Louis. My OB also ordered an MRI. 4 Days after the HSG, I got a 5 day cycle, which I was (lol) excited about. Today I called her office to see if the MRI had been read yet. Her nurse said that it had not, but the radiology department claimed it had already been read and faxed to her office. The R.E. requested all lab reports, and films to be brought to his office, so I went to pick up the MRI report, which according to my OB was had not been read yet. I read the report, and they found "hypointense connection between the anterior and posterior cervical walls". In lay terms, my cervix is covered by scar tissue- also known as Asherman's Syndrome.
I am so angry that she wouldn't listen to me in June when I called her, or again in July. Furthermore, I am very upset that she had me on medications that are NOT supposed to be given for that condition because, while it is supposed to induce a cycle- if there is scarring preventing flow, there is no where for it to go except for back into the fallopian tubes, and possibly cause endometriosis. I am mad that she did not bother to call to explain what her involvement will be in the future, explain the diagnosis and possible treatment that the R.E. may talk about, that her office LIED about the MRI being read in the first place, and hat she brushed off my concerns all this while.
I know what the recommended treatment for this syndrome is, and what some of the complications are. I do my research, and because I like medical things, I tend to obsess about the details. A surgery called a hysteroscopy is used to visualize and remove scarring. Meds and/or a balloon is used to make sure the scar tissue does not grow back. Because of where my scarring is, when/if we get pregnant again, I have a higher chance of 2nd trimester pre-term labor, issues with the placental attachment, and if endometriosis has formed- possible infertility as a whole. 70-80% live birth rate for women with Asherman's syndrome... From a woman who told me, "I was not vigorous with the D&C," and "Scarring most commonly occurs with women who have had multiple D&C's" (I have had ONE, the one she performed". I may be a nursing student, able to comprehend some of what she says, and research what I don't understand, but I also am entitled to her time as my doctor. I am paying her for my care, her time, and her knowledge. I feel gipped.
It has been nearly 5 months since the D&C. After the procedure, the doctor seemed hopeful that there would be no complications, we had gotten pregnant without an problems, and miscarriages are fairly common place. However, after two months with no cycle, but symptoms of having one, I began to suspect that something was not right. My doctor was insistent that I was under a lot of stress and it would come when it was ready. I kept pushing though because of the cyclic pain. She put me on provera to start a cycle, but that also failed. She finally agreed to do an ultrasound and labs to rule out hormones. However, when I went to the lab to have them drawn, there was no order, and the nurse in her office said that the doctor obviously did not want to draw hormone levels because it wasn't in the notes. I did have an Ultrasound, and the doctor then claimed that my lining was too thin. So more hormones were ordered, still without checking levels. These also did not work. Meds were followed my what is called a hysterosalpingogram, where dye is injected to determine whether there is uterine scarring or blockage in fallopian tubes. This test failed, the dye wouldn't even go in. It was a very painful procedure! She claimed that typical scarring would still show on the X-ray, and since it did not, she was referring me to a reproductive endocrinologist. I was alright with that, since I had already made an appointment with an excellent R.E. in St. Louis. My OB also ordered an MRI. 4 Days after the HSG, I got a 5 day cycle, which I was (lol) excited about. Today I called her office to see if the MRI had been read yet. Her nurse said that it had not, but the radiology department claimed it had already been read and faxed to her office. The R.E. requested all lab reports, and films to be brought to his office, so I went to pick up the MRI report, which according to my OB was had not been read yet. I read the report, and they found "hypointense connection between the anterior and posterior cervical walls". In lay terms, my cervix is covered by scar tissue- also known as Asherman's Syndrome.
I am so angry that she wouldn't listen to me in June when I called her, or again in July. Furthermore, I am very upset that she had me on medications that are NOT supposed to be given for that condition because, while it is supposed to induce a cycle- if there is scarring preventing flow, there is no where for it to go except for back into the fallopian tubes, and possibly cause endometriosis. I am mad that she did not bother to call to explain what her involvement will be in the future, explain the diagnosis and possible treatment that the R.E. may talk about, that her office LIED about the MRI being read in the first place, and hat she brushed off my concerns all this while.
I know what the recommended treatment for this syndrome is, and what some of the complications are. I do my research, and because I like medical things, I tend to obsess about the details. A surgery called a hysteroscopy is used to visualize and remove scarring. Meds and/or a balloon is used to make sure the scar tissue does not grow back. Because of where my scarring is, when/if we get pregnant again, I have a higher chance of 2nd trimester pre-term labor, issues with the placental attachment, and if endometriosis has formed- possible infertility as a whole. 70-80% live birth rate for women with Asherman's syndrome... From a woman who told me, "I was not vigorous with the D&C," and "Scarring most commonly occurs with women who have had multiple D&C's" (I have had ONE, the one she performed". I may be a nursing student, able to comprehend some of what she says, and research what I don't understand, but I also am entitled to her time as my doctor. I am paying her for my care, her time, and her knowledge. I feel gipped.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
It's been a week...
Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
i lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling
Some days are good, and some days feel like they are more than I can bear. I somehow pulled passing grades out of a class that I was failing. Studying gave me a way to think about something else. Honestly, when I saw those exam grades, and saw that I passed- I thought "my child didn't die in vain". I think I somehow felt that if I failed, I wouldn't just be letting myself or Aaron down, but that baby too. I am glad to have a few months off of school!
I watered "Harry" today, and wondered if we would of had a boy or a girl. They probably won't be able to tell us, so we will just say "Harry", what my mother in law nicknamed the baby. When I say I watered Harry, I mean our African Violet that we bought in memory of him/her. I have also decided that, for a little while at least, I will make a conscious effort to not dwell on this, because the feelings that come along with dwelling on this loss brings me to a place that is scary and difficult. Until I can deal with this without feeling immense guilt and sadness, this will be my last blog on this subject. I want to say thank you to all of you for your support and love, hugs and thoughts and prayers. They are much appreciated! <3
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
i lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling
Some days are good, and some days feel like they are more than I can bear. I somehow pulled passing grades out of a class that I was failing. Studying gave me a way to think about something else. Honestly, when I saw those exam grades, and saw that I passed- I thought "my child didn't die in vain". I think I somehow felt that if I failed, I wouldn't just be letting myself or Aaron down, but that baby too. I am glad to have a few months off of school!
I watered "Harry" today, and wondered if we would of had a boy or a girl. They probably won't be able to tell us, so we will just say "Harry", what my mother in law nicknamed the baby. When I say I watered Harry, I mean our African Violet that we bought in memory of him/her. I have also decided that, for a little while at least, I will make a conscious effort to not dwell on this, because the feelings that come along with dwelling on this loss brings me to a place that is scary and difficult. Until I can deal with this without feeling immense guilt and sadness, this will be my last blog on this subject. I want to say thank you to all of you for your support and love, hugs and thoughts and prayers. They are much appreciated! <3
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Surgery
Everything I want to put in this box is too much for the public to read. I will simply say that I am very blessed to have my support system- Aaron, RLN, family, coworkers, friends and instructors have really showed their understanding and caring. My head knows there was nothing I did wrong, or something that I didn't do, but I still feel guilty and overwhelmed. I feel guilty that our first child together will not be here in November, I feel overwhelmed with everything that has happened this semester. Mostly I feel sad. Sad that the realization came to me today, as we sat in the pre-op room that our baby would be in one of those suction canisters going to the lab in an hour or two. Sad that Aaron's first experience as a biological parent ended this way, instead of a live, healthy baby. Instead he sat and worried (and drank coffee) while I was knocked out with propofol, not really in the loop. He held my hand when I came back, and while we were waiting. He held my hand while walking to the pharmacy window, and on the way inside. He picked Nick up from day care, and got KFC (I haven't had anything to eat since 10pm). I know he was anxious and worried, and I wonder if he realizes how much I appreciate him today, and every day. I also wonder if he knows that I prayed for a different outcome, for a happy, healthy pregnancy. The doctor's words were encouraging today, even if she did hint at the possibility of being a highER risk the next time.
Thank you, to all of you who sent love and prayers via text, FB messages, phone calls and emails. They are greatly appreciated. <3 A very special thanks to Aaron, there is so much I *could* say, and none of it seems to convey what I feel. I love you xoxo
Thank you, to all of you who sent love and prayers via text, FB messages, phone calls and emails. They are greatly appreciated. <3 A very special thanks to Aaron, there is so much I *could* say, and none of it seems to convey what I feel. I love you xoxo
Sunday, April 29, 2012
A realization
Ok, the title is a little deceiving, because I didn't come to a realization. However, I do know that I have a wonderful family, here on Earth and in Heaven. The day my grandpa died has been stamped on my memory, I remember every detail of the day when I found out- I remember the song I heard in the limo on the way to his funeral, the weather, the anger I felt at knowing he wouldn't share in the life events he promised he would. Today, my Aunt Joyce called me "Jenny". The name he called me, and more often than that, he called me Jenny wren wren. I dunno why. It brings a sense of warmth to my heart when I think of him. He was the singular man in my life that I looked up to, the one I compare others to. I am blessed in my husband, in my children alive and sleeping, and the two who are learning how to play crazy 8's in heaven with my grandpa.
The joy my husband brings to me can be matched by no other, he understands without me saying anything, the pain my heart feels. He reminds me that even though we have been given a hard situation to deal with, there will be better days ahead. I know my grandfather wasn't perfect, no one is. But optimism was one of my favorite characteristics about him. 6 heart attacks he lived through, and still he found the joy in talking to and meeting new people. Optimism is what I love most about Aaron. While I am temporarily looking at the negatives, he sees the opportunity to learn and grow from all of this. While I see the days ahead as a struggle, he sees them as a way to improve. A chance to be doubly blessed. Once with a child who was too good to be on Earth, and hopefully once again with a child for us to love without condition.
I know comparing the two men is not exactly pleasant for most. But it is comforting for me to know that I am married to someone who loves me as greatly and as unconditionally as the man who shaped the way I view the way men should act. They say that women marry men who remind them of their fathers. I am glad I married one who reminds me of a greater man.
The joy my husband brings to me can be matched by no other, he understands without me saying anything, the pain my heart feels. He reminds me that even though we have been given a hard situation to deal with, there will be better days ahead. I know my grandfather wasn't perfect, no one is. But optimism was one of my favorite characteristics about him. 6 heart attacks he lived through, and still he found the joy in talking to and meeting new people. Optimism is what I love most about Aaron. While I am temporarily looking at the negatives, he sees the opportunity to learn and grow from all of this. While I see the days ahead as a struggle, he sees them as a way to improve. A chance to be doubly blessed. Once with a child who was too good to be on Earth, and hopefully once again with a child for us to love without condition.
I know comparing the two men is not exactly pleasant for most. But it is comforting for me to know that I am married to someone who loves me as greatly and as unconditionally as the man who shaped the way I view the way men should act. They say that women marry men who remind them of their fathers. I am glad I married one who reminds me of a greater man.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
4/26/2012~ Aaron and I have counted down the weeks, days, and hours until today. The day we would get to see our son or daughter on the ultrasound machine. We were so excited! Imagining if he/she would have blue eyes or brown, tall or short, male, or female. Our appt was for 12:45, but the doctor didn't come in until about 1:30. She spoke with us about which meds are OK to take for allergies, what to stay away from at work, and getting clearance for Clinicals. Then she started the ultrasound. I didn't see anything on the screen, nothing that resembled a 12 week old baby. TMI, but she decided to do an transvaginal ultrasound, which also showed nothing except the gestational sac, and the yolk sac. She sent us over to the radiology dept, because they have better equipment than she does. They determined that the baby died at 6 weeks, 4 days. There was no heart beat. Aaron held my hand, there wasn't really much to say. I'm sorry doesn't seem appropriate, and really, there wasn't anything either of us could do to change the outcome. The choice before us is to take a medication that has a bunch of side effects to make my body miscarry, or to do a D&C. I have another U/S scheduled for Tuesday to make sure there are no changes. I don't expect the outcome to be different than today.
April 26, 2012- Baby Hecker~ You were loved by Mommy, Daddy, Becca, Lauren, and Nicolas. <3
April 26, 2012- Baby Hecker~ You were loved by Mommy, Daddy, Becca, Lauren, and Nicolas. <3
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Big News!
A few months ago, I posted our family goals for 2012. We've reached 2 of them! We recently traded in the sun fire for a 2012 Mazda CX-9. Now we have enough room for our expanding family!! We are expecting a child (duh, what else would it be?!) in late October/Early November!! We found out on Feb 29th, after multiple negative tests. I KNEW it would be positive, the tests just didn't agree with me until 5AM on Feb 29th! I thought I was imagining that little pink line, and sent out a few text pics to see if anyone else could see it!!
Becca, Lauren, and Nick know as well. Lauren's name idea is peanut butter! We won't be going with that one, but we do have a few names we really like. We will hopefully find out the gender (if he/she cooperates) and will let you all know what we decide! The only thing the same with this pregnancy as the others, is no morning sickness! Hooray for me! There are several other symptoms I didn't have with the others, but I will spare you the details! Our first Ultrasound is April 26th, and we are so excited!! It's so hard to wait!!!
Becca, Lauren, and Nick know as well. Lauren's name idea is peanut butter! We won't be going with that one, but we do have a few names we really like. We will hopefully find out the gender (if he/she cooperates) and will let you all know what we decide! The only thing the same with this pregnancy as the others, is no morning sickness! Hooray for me! There are several other symptoms I didn't have with the others, but I will spare you the details! Our first Ultrasound is April 26th, and we are so excited!! It's so hard to wait!!!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
It's been a while!
Well, it certainly has been a while since I've written anything, huh? I will chalk it all up to a new semester starting :)
I got to go to dinner last night with my fabulous husband! It was quite a treat to go somewhere fancy with him, and enjoy dinner without anyone whining, laughing extremely loud, or wanting me to do something that involved toys! The seafood was awesome, and the one glass of sangria I had was quite yummy.... but really, I just wanted to eat Aaron's superb mashed potatoes! Aaron had Chilean sea bass, with mashed potatoes and broccoli and I thoroughly enjoyed a medium ribeye that was cooked to perfection, very sweet asparagus and mushroom risotto. For starters, we enjoyed fantastic calamari! It was served with jalapeños, carrots, and artichoke hearts. It knocked the socks off of Maggiano's Calamari!! Oh, and as an after thought, the name of the place McCormick and Schmick's, and it is definitely a place we would recommend to family and friends!
The best part truly was getting to spend time with Aaron. It was wonderful to talk about anything we wanted, and to just enjoy each other. Date nights are awesome!
I got to go to dinner last night with my fabulous husband! It was quite a treat to go somewhere fancy with him, and enjoy dinner without anyone whining, laughing extremely loud, or wanting me to do something that involved toys! The seafood was awesome, and the one glass of sangria I had was quite yummy.... but really, I just wanted to eat Aaron's superb mashed potatoes! Aaron had Chilean sea bass, with mashed potatoes and broccoli and I thoroughly enjoyed a medium ribeye that was cooked to perfection, very sweet asparagus and mushroom risotto. For starters, we enjoyed fantastic calamari! It was served with jalapeños, carrots, and artichoke hearts. It knocked the socks off of Maggiano's Calamari!! Oh, and as an after thought, the name of the place McCormick and Schmick's, and it is definitely a place we would recommend to family and friends!
The best part truly was getting to spend time with Aaron. It was wonderful to talk about anything we wanted, and to just enjoy each other. Date nights are awesome!
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