It's been a week...

Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
i lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling


Some days are good, and some days feel like they are more than I can bear. I somehow pulled passing grades out of a class that I was failing. Studying gave me a way to think about something else. Honestly, when I saw those  exam grades, and saw that I passed- I thought "my child didn't die in vain". I think I somehow felt that if I failed, I wouldn't just be letting myself or Aaron down, but that baby too. I am glad to have a few months off of school!


I watered "Harry" today, and wondered if we would of had a boy or a girl. They probably won't be able to tell us, so we will just say "Harry", what my mother in law nicknamed the baby. When I say I watered Harry, I mean our African Violet that we bought in memory of him/her. I have also decided that, for a little while at least, I will make a conscious effort to not dwell on this, because the feelings that come along with dwelling on this loss brings me to a place that is scary and difficult. Until I can deal with this without feeling immense guilt and sadness, this will be my last blog on this subject. I want to say thank you to all of you for your support and love, hugs and thoughts and prayers. They are much appreciated! <3

Surgery

Everything I want to put in this box is too much for the public to read. I will simply say that I am very blessed to have my support system- Aaron, RLN, family,  coworkers, friends and instructors have really showed their understanding and caring. My head knows there was nothing I did wrong, or something that I didn't do, but I still feel guilty and overwhelmed. I feel guilty that our first child together will not be here in November, I feel overwhelmed with everything that has happened this semester. Mostly I feel sad. Sad that the realization came to me today, as we sat in the pre-op room that our baby would be in one of those suction canisters going to the lab in an hour or two. Sad that Aaron's first experience as a biological parent ended this way, instead of a live, healthy baby. Instead he sat and worried (and drank coffee) while I was knocked out with propofol, not really in the loop. He held my hand when I came back, and while we were waiting. He held my hand while walking to the pharmacy window, and on the way inside. He picked Nick up from day care, and got KFC (I haven't had anything to eat since 10pm). I know he was anxious and worried, and I wonder if he realizes how much I appreciate him today, and every day. I also wonder if he knows that I prayed for a different outcome, for a happy, healthy pregnancy. The doctor's words were encouraging today, even if she did hint at the possibility of being a highER risk the next time.

Thank you, to all of you who sent love and prayers via text, FB messages, phone calls and emails. They are greatly appreciated. <3 A very special thanks to Aaron, there is so much I *could* say, and none of it seems to convey what I feel. I love you xoxo